King of the Wild Things

pvnk-is-dad:

I crave intimacy but I get confused and uncomfortable when I’m shown even the slightest bit of attention or affection.

(Source: evolved-emo)

ask-koki-kariya:

lastofthetimeladies:

im-a-timelord-you-ass:

lastofthetimeladies:

lastofthetimeladies:

MY MOM JUST ASKED ME WHAT I WANT MY CAKE TO BE FOR MY SPIDER-MAN THEMED BIRTHDAY PARTY AND I TOLD HER I WANT IT TO BE IN THE SHAPE OF ANDREW GARFIELD’S BUTT AND SHE WAS LIKE “SEND ME SOME PHOTOS I’LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO” OH MY GOD

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

'Scuse me, but may I have a piece of that ass?

Do you know how many times I made that joke at my party

Do you

omfg

fvming:

If only I was given a dollar for every time I made myself look stupid in front of a cute person

(Source: slomps)

sandandglass:

crispy-tacos:

flogicallylawless:

If Fox thinks that a Muslim can’t write a book about Christianity

would they agree that men can’t write legislation about women?

EVERYBODY FREEZE.

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Artist: The All-American Rejects
Track: "Here I Sit"
Plays: 116 plays

kurgs:

skeletongrazed:

skeletongrazed:

what’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants ?

one’s a crusty bus station and one’s a busty crustacean

#i’ve told this joke a million times and it NEVER fails
it was against the rules to get lyrics written out yesterday, but patrick was at the end of the line so i'm like, hey, might as well try, right?
me: could you write something out for me quick?
patrick: yeah yeah shhh c'mere shh super secret what's up
me: could you write "we're falling apart to half time?"
patrick: done!
my mom: that's against the rules, sarah!
patrick in this super deep super serious voice: you're going to jail, sarah.